Deluxe Toilet Paper Roll

This amazing roll of toilet paper is a magnificent blend of ancient, mighty tree, torn down, shredded to splinters, and then pulped together into an experimental, ultra-soft three-ply sensation! That’s right! TRIPLE PLY!

Feel hundreds of years worth of a tree’s lifespan grace your butt with the sensual, silky touch of an angel. (One of those adorable chubby cherub angels; not the weird adult angels with like, sixteen eyes, rough hands, and hideous robes.)

This toilet paper is soft enough to elate you while doing your clean-up, and sturdy enough that you could blow your nose into it at full force, without wadding it up first, and it won’t break.

It’s, quite frankly, the greatest toilet paper ever invented. You’d be a fool to pass it up, at these low-low prices! Get it now, while the getting is good!